Things removed... / Mrs. Kirsten Heimburg (Soulmate & Wife ) I used to hate the word- Never. This is not to minimize my relationship with Micah- it is an acknowledgement of the facts. i want to dissolve into a sea of nothing, nowhere- far far away from everyone who cares. i want to *feel* the hurt. so often- i want to feel what he felt that night. sometimes- i hold my breath, just to know what he was feeling when he said he couldn't breath. i cannot explain my world- i cannot explain my thoughts- i cannot explain my feelings. I do not understand any of this. I see the most beautiful children play- I touch their faces- I adore them- all this wonder, all this majesty and I will never be able to fully appreciate it. I will never be able to excitedly say I'm pregnant and see my husband get ecstatic. I will never be able to put headphones on my big belly and sing to my unborn child. I will never be able to hold Noel's hand while I go through the exquisite pain of giving birth to a little us. I will not have my baby handed to me, pink and messy- beautiful and small. I will never get to look up at my Noel and back to our baby and acknowledge the little us. I will never paint a room with exciting expectation and hope for our baby boy/girl. I will not get to see Noel's face as he lays next to a little us while holding both of us in an embrace of protection. Never. Never. Never. So many nevers. I cannot give my parents a little me. There is no little me. There will never be a little me and Noel. I dream of our babies. A little girl with long, curly golden blond hair- big blue eye's and a smile that ignites the universe. Or our little boy that looks like a mini-Greek god with the intelligence of his daddy that he not only got to instill at youth but continue to expand throughout life. Nope- just a me. I want to hold my baby. I want to smell our children. The one thing we knew for sure was that we wanted to make little Noel and Kirsten's. Why did we have to be so responsible? I want to watch my little one laugh and be cute and be bad. I want to see the terrible two's. I love my stepson but I have missed so much of being a parent and I can never be someones real mommy. I will never be the one that a little human being cries for when they are sad or scared. I mourn my husband, my little boy, my little girl, our parents chance at more little babies around... I mourn my entire future. I'm babbling- but then, that's what I do. Oh well.... I have tears that burn my face. I have tears that taste tasteless... what does that mean? Maybe I am running low on tears again. It literally happened once before. What's worse then crying all the time is the frustration of not being able to cry when you desperately want to feel that burn. I cannot make my parents excited about holding a baby that came from me. It kills me. I do not get to surprise my husband with some quirky weird science project that me and the kids worked on while he was at work all day. I cannot call my husband at work, all excited and say that our baby took their first steps! I cannot even dream of it anymore because it now falls into the realm of whimsical fantasy land type dreaming. I truly feel like my day dreams of children are now memories of the children that went with Noel when he died. I feel like I knew and loved them even though I never touched them, smelt them, comforted them, tickled them, taught them, giggled with them, twirled them around, hugged them. I never did any of that and yet my soul burns like there are a million daggers piercing straight through it while I feel, truly feel, the memory of my fantasy children. So- tonight, instead of crying myself to sleep with thoughts of my Noel, I will add my babies to those tears. A tear for every interaction, observation, fate filled moment that I have now had torn from my life... even the possibility is gone. Ripped away- there is no one to convince. Our babies are another thing that this person made a decision on for us. I never really contemplated the possibility of anyone getting to have a say in our decision of when to start a family. The doctors said there was too much damage to artificially inseminate me and that answer to my only immediate question plays over and over in my head a million times a day, a million different ways with a million different ulterior endings. The other night, I found myself waking up from a dream of being pregnant with Noel's baby.... excited and thrilled- more content that I have ever felt by having everything I ever wanted... Noel and our own little family on the way- I actually woke with my hand on my belly.... my 3AM cry sessions are so exhausting. I desperately desperately long to see the face of the last man that my husband refused to allow to invade his life. Noel did not believe in allowing people to push him around. He stood up for the things and people he believed in. There is so much that no one else knows about Noel, his heart, his mind, his wants and needs. I was lucky enough to be the person that he spent all those years waiting to open up to. He saved so much specialness for only me. More and more people tell me how different Noel was with me, that he showed me this side that I thought completely natural. I wish I had known when he was alive how much he had saved for me. I always thought he was just that amazing to everyone he was ever around or with but apparently I was this oddity in his life. He touched my soul, and I his. We never let each other down and we never disrespected one another. We never let the outside world and all its nonsense come between us. Absolutely nothing in this world or beyond was worth breaking the future that we knew we would have filled with beautiful nights and successful days. "Flash backs" seems like such a.... minuscule word for describing what I see when I close my eyes. I do not simply see, I feel the same feeling in the pit of my stomach, my eyes burn, my head hurts, I smell the apartment, I hear Noel, I hear the background TV, I hear the 30 seconds before and the frantic 30 seconds after, I hear him fall to our home door.... our home- the place that you are supposed to feel a sense of comfort and safety. We had built such a home, physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally... we were so at home with each other. Noel being a boy, cooking on the grill on the back patio, me sitting next to him, wine glass in hand while studying but actually pouring my attention into talking with him. Chatting about everything, nothing, anything.... I discussed time machines with Micah today, he asked me- if I owned one, would I go back and actually save daddy.... although, no harm meant and none taken in any other way besides me remembering that I failed in saving him. There's always something that can be done and I just happened to do something wrong and I took Noel away from everyone forever and I am so so so so sorry. I am so amazingly and terribly sorry. I could keep writing for hours but I think I absolutely need to take a knee. Breathing becomes more and more difficult every single day.
Ow./ Mrs. Kirsten Heimburg (Soulmate&Wife) God I hurt without you. I don't even know what else to write. I have so much to tell you and no idea how to say anything but I hurt. My heart is broken Noel. Literally. Seeing your family this weekend was very helpful. I am going through som serious complications right now and it is the hardest when it is with people who should totally understand how difficult this life is right now but to do it without you. Gwen was right- the statement- "this wouldn't be happening if Noel was here" rings in my ears, head and heart so very loud, more and more. It hurts me because I know it hurts you. I know how hurt you would be and angry that anyone is hurting me. I try to walk away, mentally, but I get so angry that your feelings are not being conisdered. I don't understand how the fact that you are not here makes people act so. I CANNOT and I WILL NOT EVER disregard how you feel. You are my heart. I will fight for what is right even if I have to step aside every now and again. I hate not having my support in you. I know you believe the same things as I. I know you feel the same as I. I know everyone knows that but it is being ignored at times and I want to cry every day. Some days that whole idea of catatonic sounds ever so inviting. My relief in life right now has been Micah, school and I really like my new job. They are so nice to me and I enjoy the work I do. Working on bettering diversity is such a lovely feeling to have and I know that you would be happy for me having this job. It is what I love, helping. I love you Noel. Please help me through these horrible times. Please go into the hearts of those that I speak of and remind them of how much I love you and how I am always only going to try and do the right thing, the thing that you would want and that it is always from my heart. I cannot do this without you. I miss holding your hand SO bad. I love you Noel- every day, more and more and unfortunately I sink a little more everyday. Love forever, Kirsten
without you / Gwen Heimburg (sister) It has been at least four nights since i've cried myself awake. it is so unfair that you are gone and we are all left here just existing without you.
we had friends over tonight and i almost screamed when they said how little they even know about their siblings. i cannot stand the fact that we dont get to have our sibling moments because there is nothing like when we were all three in the same room. it was a pee-your-pants kind of silliness that will forever be unmatched.
things should really be coming together with my graduation , but i feel like everything is falling apart around me. one phrase continues to resound in my head..."this would never happen if noel was here." and it's true. somehow we all still have to figure out how to exist without you, how to be a family without you, and it just doesn't seem possible.
i wanted to thank you for bringing me the two most beautiful people in the world - micah and kirsten. without you i would never have known either of them. i am so thankful that they are part of this family, i wouldnt know where to beging without them.
thank you noel for everything that you were, and everything that you are to me. i miss you because you were my brother, because you were amazing, but also because you were my brain-twin and now i am left here without you.
you meant so much to each of us and i dont see how it is possible for us to all be here without you. i turn 22 on tuesday, as you were well aware, and i will miss you then, as i always do. love you.
Every Day.... / Mrs. Kirsten Heimburg (Wife) You swept me off my feet........every single day. It has been a really long fall. :(
One time, in a tiff we had, I told you that being on the outs with you made me feel like I was alone, standing in the rain - so cold. It made you hug me and tell me that you would never want me to feel that way again.
I have not felt that way again in many many years... but the day you were taken away from me, he made me feel it again. I'm cold, alone, scared and sad. Please help me find him so that I can at least wrap a blanket around me until I am with you again.
I love you more than I could ever put on this page, but then- you knew there would never be words enough for our feelings toward one another. I love you.
Love always, Your wife.
My Dream... / Mom (mom)
The journey Home
I knew you were coming, I could sense you were right around the corner. I had “heard” the joyous news –you were making the journey to come visit me!
It was a very long trip for you, but I knew you’d be there for me, no matter what. I know that to be one of your precious traits!
Such joy in my heart! I heard your precious laughter first. That was the most wonderful moment I had experienced in months. It felt like a warm summer shower that cleansed my spirit! A big purple bus pulled up in front of my eyes –you’d arrived!
It had your name spelled out on the side
Noel J. Heimburg
Hmmm …as if you needed announcing! You came down the steps, my tall, clear blue eyed son. You looked around at the world you came back to visit, as though you were breathing water. You looked with a different vision. You were seeing and feeling and remembering how it was to be here.
You had brought some things in your arms, among them an old lamp. I took the old lamp out of your arms–to help lighten your load. Of course, I realized it was meant for me –just the gift I needed.
It was to lighten MY load, to brighten MY darkness, and to help me find my way to you, to the rest of our family, to God.
You moved slowly, it was cumbersome to be here physically, and I knew you could only stay a short while.
I was not sure where I was when you came to visit me, but when I looked around, upon your arrival, I remember seeing a church in the corner of my vision. It was where it always had been, there for anyone in need.
It appeared that you were hurting and tired, but there was someone accompanying you, to keep you on track, to guide you, like an angel, to make sure you continued your journey, to help you keep moving.
Yes, my dear son, you came to see me when I needed you so desperately. I realized that the pain that I feel, is what you experience too; and the joy I feel is what you feel. You came to me to give me back the joy that you have always brought me in my life.
I know, as in life, that we had each other to love and appreciate, for a short while; that we have to be apart for now –for you have many other stops to make in your travels. I also know that we have a big family reunion to prepare for that God is seeing to!
I know that you came to comfort me, and each visit will always be ever more precious than the last.
You and I, with God’s permission, began a mother and son relationship that truly has no end, for it is eternal! I know that most issues in life are unimportant, that we focus on the wrong things, and that what truly matters is that we love immensely and unconditionally, and forgive immediately; that the moment we live in is where we should mostly dwell.
When your life began, so did mine as a mother. I was so blessed to have this relationship with you for as long on this earth as God intended.
Noel, you and I learned from each other what it means to be a son to a mother, and a mother to a son. I taught you what I knew really mattered in this life: to have an appreciation and respect for life, to be thankful for all the beauty that God has surrounded us with, and to give love, peace and understanding and forgiveness to others who cross our path.
Thank you for being all present; it comforts me immensely, and I promise I will always find you in everything I experience.
I love you,
Your mom, forever and ever
My condolences / Roberto Rodriguez
I am so sorry for your loss Kirsten and the whole Heimburg family.
Sincerely A old friend from School
Reaching out / Ticia Kervel Thanks for the kind words to Jennifer kesse's website. I am her aunt. I often send these words to people I know who have lost a loved one, I hope they help to give you peace as they often have for me " the tide recedes but leaves behind bright seashells in the sand. the sun goes down but gentle warm still lingers on the land. The music stops, and yet it echoes on in sweet refrain. For everything that passes something beautiful remains" In reading about Noel I can see he left the earth much beauty to keep him in your hearts forever. Regards, Ticia Kervel
One Day.... / Tim (Friend) I have only recently come across this story. Reading the newspaper columns and interviews with Noel's mom at his 1yr anniversary. I was so saddened by all the tragedy that happened that evening that I just had to come here and voice my condolences for him and to his wife Kirsten and his entire family, for what is such a senseless loss of someone that was so deeply loved by everyone around him. I did not actually know Noel personally, but I can tell you that from everything that I have read about him as a loving husband, playful father, crazy brother and mother's son has touched me very deeply and has brought many many tears to my eyes as I read about how many people he's touched during his life here on earth. I could only wish that I myself had the pure honor of knowing him as well. I hope and pray that one day justice will be served for Noel, and that you and his family could finally have some closure to this tragedy brought upon your family. No one deserves this, no one.
I may not have known Noel, but I would be honored to call him a "friend".
Noel....take care my friend.
.../ Mrs. Kirsten Heimburg (Wife) So many things change. So many confused moments in life. If I keep hunting the way I was- I will have a heart consumed with hate. I miss you and love you every day. Time changes so many things and people stop understanding us but I know you- inside and out- and you me. I know that you always understood me and supported me no matter what.
I wasn't sure about today. I didn't know what would happen with me- every minute is different.
Hold my hand- please- I realize you may be one of the only people that wants to.
This message is directed to everyone who has or intends to visit Noel where he was laid to rest.
I know it has been difficult to find him as the cemetery removes all flowers and such to mow.
I went today and got a memorial marker for Noel that will be installed before Christmas 2006. It is simple as I still intend to get a proper headstone for both Noel and myself.
Please visit back as I will make sure to let everyone know when this is there.
---- On a note to Noel: Today is 9 months and I've found this strange place of content exhaustion.
I am rebuilding things in my life and this is a good thing. While still trying to make you proud and I am walking down a path that I hope leads to great things as we had always intended to accomplish such things in life.
I am trying to do what is right for everyone all the while making an effort to keep myself in mind- which is sometimes (often) easier said than done. I intend to make a stronger effort at it though.
I miss you and I will always keep you with me. Sometimes life just feels like the day when we played with Micah's moon boots... sure I can walk but it feels rather unsteady and sometimes frustrating.
I want to find my way to happiness.... can you help me on that path a bit?
I was not sure if, when or how it would happen but - I've burned with missing you so much that I have lost my mind. I left my job and I am not really proud of it but I also have a hard time caring about anything but you. I'm exhausted and I've taken up sleeping as a habit. I cant freaking take it. I can't. I am so cold without you. I roll over looking for you at night. I wake up waiting to hear your voice. My every single day is forever ripped away and I fucking hate this without you.
I don't even know what else to say Noel. If you are out there anywhere- please take care of yourself. I miss you. I love you dearly.
I was the first person you ever truly fell in love with and I with you.
You were the first person that I felt "home" with- as home is where the heart is.
I oddly kept your last hair cut ever, I wrote down your last major self-created quote, I was the last to hear "I love you" and to feel your hand squeeze mine.
I tried to save your last text message but the phone company took it away.
I kept your last drawing in my wallet.
I kept your first kiss, deep inside my soul- 6:30 AM- on the sofa- deciding if it was worth it to possibly damage our dear friendship and hearing the words "Fuck It" after discussing it for 8 hours straight- The BEST kiss ever.
I kept your first "I love you" with a nervous look upon your face and your last one with a knowing, undoubting look upon your face.
I always kept your first ID in my wallet once it expired, you kept the first and last notes that I put in your lunch, not to mention every one in between.
You were the first person I told every story of my life to and I was the first to open this side of your heart and being.
I have kept every single memory of you and us- good, bad and terrifying.
We were truly each others first, last and only true loves...
I have kept you in my heart...first look, first words, first touch- last everything and I always will. You WILL live on in my heart.
So, here is another first and last- I wrote my first poem ever, in the 5th grade. I wrote in randomly just to see if I could write. Every poem, rambling, story etc. was dedicated to someone, some time, something somewhere. This particular poem never had a home. It waited for one for many many years. It never had it's place- and now I look back and I see why. I kept my most precious writing for someone that I had never even met- someone that I had nearly 8 years yet to meet. Although it does not seem romantic- it is true love concealed in true pain.
Where there is an ending- I hope and pray, everyday, morning and night that there is another beginning that picks up where I left off, just around the bend. Whether it is my soul, my spirit, my energy or my actual being- I will be with you again one day, My Noel.
This my love, is the epitome of keeping your first and last, of holding you and fighting on our horribly fateul night, and my difficulty in understanding because I have a very difficult time- Just "letting it be".
The Beginning of the End - By: Kirsten Heimburg
Dedicated and In Memory Of: Noel J. Heimburg
The beginning of the end does not make my heart bend,
It makes it twist and turn, as though I shall never learn.
As if I cannot see, Just to let it be...
The Beginning of the End.
The Eels- "The Stars Shine in the Sky Tonight..." / Mrs. Kirsten Heimburg (Soulmate & Wife )
I can't live in a world that you have left behind Seen a lot, been through too much But this is where i draw the line
It's not where you're coming from It's where you're going to And i just wanna go with you
December is a lonely month In a year of lonely days It's hard to tell which way is up Or down or out Or through the haze
People cheat and people lie While you just watch it all go by Counting days until you die
The stars shine in the sky tonight Like a path beyond the grave When you wish upon that star There's two of us you need to save
It's not where you're coming from It's where you're going to And i just wanna go with you
Things removed... / Mrs. Kirsten Heimburg (Soulmate & Wife ) I used to hate the word- Never. This is not to minimize my relationship with Micah- it is an acknowledgement of the facts. i want to dissolve into a sea of nothing, nowhere- far far away from everyone who cares. i want to *feel* the hurt. so often- i want to feel what he felt that night. sometimes- i hold my breath, just to know what he was feeling when he said he couldn't breath. i cannot explain my world- i cannot explain my thoughts- i cannot explain my feelings. I do not understand any of this. I see the most beautiful children play- I touch their faces- I adore them- all this wonder, all this majesty and I will never be able to fully appreciate it. I will never be able to excitedly say I'm pregnant and see my husband get ecstatic. I will never be able to put headphones on my big belly and sing to my unborn child. I will never be able to hold Noel's hand while I go through the exquisite pain of giving birth to a little us. I will not have my baby handed to me, pink and messy- beautiful and small. I will never get to look up at my Noel and back to our baby and acknowledge the little us. I will never paint a room with exciting expectation and hope for our baby boy/girl. I will not get to see Noel's face as he lays next to a little us while holding both of us in an embrace of protection. Never. Never. Never. So many nevers. I cannot give my parents a little me. There is no little me. There will never be a little me and Noel. I dream of our babies. A little girl with long, curly golden blond hair- big blue eye's and a smile that ignites the universe. Or our little boy that looks like a mini-Greek god with the intelligence of his daddy that he not only got to instill at youth but continue to expand throughout life. Nope- just a me. I want to hold my baby. I want to smell our children. The one thing we knew for sure was that we wanted to make little Noel and Kirsten's. Why did we have to be so responsible? I want to watch my little one laugh and be cute and be bad. I want to see the terrible two's. I love my stepson but I have missed so much of being a parent and I can never be someones real mommy. I will never be the one that a little human being cries for when they are sad or scared. I mourn my husband, my little boy, my little girl, our parents chance at more little babies around... I mourn my entire future. I'm babbling- but then, that's what I do. Oh well.... I have tears that burn my face. I have tears that taste tasteless... what does that mean? Maybe I am running low on tears again. It literally happened once before. What's worse then crying all the time is the frustration of not being able to cry when you desperately want to feel that burn. I cannot make my parents excited about holding a baby that came from me. It kills me. I do not get to surprise my husband with some quirky weird science project that me and the kids worked on while he was at work all day. I cannot call my husband at work, all excited and say that our baby took their first steps! I cannot even dream of it anymore because it now falls into the realm of whimsical fantasy land type dreaming. I truly feel like my day dreams of children are now memories of the children that went with Noel when he died. I feel like I knew and loved them even though I never touched them, smelt them, comforted them, tickled them, taught them, giggled with them, twirled them around, hugged them. I never did any of that and yet my soul burns like there are a million daggers piercing straight through it while I feel, truly feel, the memory of my fantasy children. So- tonight, instead of crying myself to sleep with thoughts of my Noel, I will add my babies to those tears. A tear for every interaction, observation, fate filled moment that I have now had torn from my life... even the possibility is gone. Ripped away- there is no one to convince. Our babies are another thing that this person made a decision on for us. I never really contemplated the possibility of anyone getting to have a say in our decision of when to start a family. The doctors said there was too much damage to artificially inseminate me and that answer to my only immediate question plays over and over in my head a million times a day, a million different ways with a million different ulterior endings. The other night, I found myself waking up from a dream of being pregnant with Noel's baby.... excited and thrilled- more content that I have ever felt by having everything I ever wanted... Noel and our own little family on the way- I actually woke with my hand on my belly.... my 3AM cry sessions are so exhausting. I desperately desperately long to see the face of the last man that my husband refused to allow to invade his life. Noel did not believe in allowing people to push him around. He stood up for the things and people he believed in. There is so much that no one else knows about Noel, his heart, his mind, his wants and needs. I was lucky enough to be the person that he spent all those years waiting to open up to. He saved so much specialness for only me. More and more people tell me how different Noel was with me, that he showed me this side that I thought completely natural. I wish I had known when he was alive how much he had saved for me. I always thought he was just that amazing to everyone he was ever around or with but apparently I was this oddity in his life. He touched my soul, and I his. We never let each other down and we never disrespected one another. We never let the outside world and all its nonsense come between us. Absolutely nothing in this world or beyond was worth breaking the future that we knew we would have filled with beautiful nights and successful days. "Flash backs" seems like such a.... minuscule word for describing what I see when I close my eyes. I do not simply see, I feel the same feeling in the pit of my stomach, my eyes burn, my head hurts, I smell the apartment, I hear Noel, I hear the background TV, I hear the 30 seconds before and the frantic 30 seconds after, I hear him fall to our home door.... our home- the place that you are supposed to feel a sense of comfort and safety. We had built such a home, physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally... we were so at home with each other. Noel being a boy, cooking on the grill on the back patio, me sitting next to him, wine glass in hand while studying but actually pouring my attention into talking with him. Chatting about everything, nothing, anything.... I discussed time machines with Micah today, he asked me- if I owned one, would I go back and actually save daddy.... although, no harm meant and none taken in any other way besides me remembering that I failed in saving him. There's always something that can be done and I just happened to do something wrong and I took Noel away from everyone forever and I am so so so so sorry. I am so amazingly and terribly sorry. I could keep writing for hours but I think I absolutely need to take a knee. Breathing becomes more and more difficult every single day.
Burning..../ Mrs. Kirsten Heimburg (Wife) My skin burns when I have these "flash backs" of that night. I feel it start in my face and rush to my toes. I have been experiencing these more and more and more lately. I remember too much. I told my therapist that these "memories" that I was having where eating me alive. Making me hate myself for not being able to save you. It was explained to me that these are not "memories" but flashbacks rather. They are all directly related to what I saw, heard, smelled and felt while holding you. I will NEVER tell what I went through because I will never allow anyone to picture what I saw. I even want to step outside of me and say, "I can't imagine what it's like," but I know all to well what it is like. It is like a horror movie- surreal in every sense of the word. It hurts so much. I hurt so much. I spend time trying to subside these thoughts while I am at work, school, with Micah and/or family and friends but God they haunt me. They always always will. When I think of the good times, I feel so good. When I think of the bad times I FEEL so awful. I want to protect you, I want to hold you again, I want to think of more to say while having my last conversation with you. I need you so bad. When I get frustrated and I crinkle my eyebrows, I think of how you used to press gently on the center of my face as if to say- don't worry. I try to relax my muscles and remind myself not to worry.... I press my face against your picture at night and TRY to imagine the feeling of your cheek. Unfortunately, it is not the same. Nothing is the same. This whole world is distorted. How and why this happens is a question that I hate because I cannot stop asking it and at the same I know how absolutely stupid I am for asking it because there is NO answer. I feel like a child just learning about life and death. Every single day, I learn a little more, I remember a little more, I miss you a lot more and I die a little but that's the inviting part. All I have to make everyday feasible is the fact that no matter if I will or will not see you again, I will be in the same state that you are in. I will die and I will get to do what you did. I always admired and looked up to you. My brilliant love! I looked to you every time I had a question about anything and everything and you ALWAYS had an answer- you amazed me every single day. I read through so many emails that we had written each other and saw how often I said, "I love you so much! I just don't know what I would do without you" and now, here I sit- trying to figure out what the HELL I am supposed to do without you! I HATE it. You made everything better. After all the years together- I remembered today, driving up to the apartment and seeing your car there and being soooo happy and excited that you had beat me home and that I would get to walk into the house and get a hug from someone who was genuinely happy to see me and that I wouldn't have to wait for you to come to me. We talked on the phone all the time on our drives home. ALL the time. I HATE myself for not staying on the phone that night. At 7:23PM on Feb. 20, 2006 you called me to ask if you should pick up dinner. I said I didn't mind making something at home or having whatever you wanted to pick up. You wanted to get Boston Market family pack because it would make it so we didn't have to cook for 2 nights and we could hang out a bit more but only if I wanted it.... I decided I did. WHY?! Maybe, just maybe- had I just said, No- I will make you dinner- no, I want you to come home, it's late enough and I miss you, maybe you'd be alive. Maybe if I hadn't, on that particular evening told you that I was watching some stupid ass movie that I had wanted to see, maybe we would not have hung up the phone and we would have talked ALL the way home like we did soooo many nights for so many years, I would have known you had just pulled in, I would have come out to help you carry in all the food. He wouldn't have stopped us or he at least wouldn't have only killed you. I could be with you. Even if I had just stayed on the phone- maybe he wouldn't have tried it. WHY THE FUCK DID THIS NIGHT GO SO OUT OF THE NORM. I don't understand. I just want my husband. I want to have your children. I want to sit on a porch and play with our grandkids. I want to see this child that would have curly blond hair, beautiful blue eyes and a huge smile. I want to go fly a kite with you and Micah or come give you a kiss at the basketball court because I just missed you already after you being there for an hour, all sweaty- still hugging because that's what we did. I want to laugh about the most asinine stuff and talk about every aspect of our pasts. I want to have philosophical conversations about everything and anything. I want to argue! I want to FIGHT! I want any and everything that I cannot have with YOU. I want you to come back. I want this to stop. I want to wake up and see that this is all a dream. A bad, horrible dream and have you wrap me in you and assure me that this type of thing will never happen to us because how could something so awful happen to two people so in love who have already gone through so much in their lives! I want to pick on you and have you pick on me right back. I want to pass you in the hallway and not be able to STILL help touching each other and kissing. I want to fall asleep on the sofa with you, overheat.... and still not care because we just wanted to be that close. Why can't I have these things? Why are you gone? What am I really expected to do now? Live? What life? Can't you SEE you were me, I am you. I died when you died. I don't know me. I don't know where this is going. I don't care. I challenge that man to come to me. I WANT him to. I DO NOT CARE IF HE KILLS ME- I WANT TO SEE HIS FACE. I want to know who you looked at and said NO to. I NEED to. What a useless little shit, pathetic and weak. The big man used a gun! Wow! That took so much courage! He's SOOO impressive!!! AMAZING how sad this little little excuse for a human being is and he actually probably thinks he is some hard shit somebody when he is a useless waste of space living in a prison of stupidity with no chance of parole. HE is nothing but a parasite and it is only a matter of time before his host fights back. I welcome the opportunity and if I fail- I DO NOT CARE. I will fight for you and I WILL be more than happy to die for you. I just want to be with you and if I cannot- why should he be able to go touch, carress, talk and look at someone. What a sick little poor excuse of a human being, and I use that term loosely. If he thinks he is so big and bad, why does he hide?!!? Come to me, I look forward to making your acquaintance. Good night Noel. I love you. I will never give up.
A Song of Praise / Mom (Mom) My dear son, your Aunt Julie has given me many words of comfort. She gave me a CD for my birthday, and we sat together listening and crying together. The lyrics are so comforting and inspiring. This one song in particular I sing every sunrise and every sunset, pouring my heart into it- it keeps my spirit strong and keeps me focused on the journey I experience as I find my way back to you and God! I love you for eternity...your mom.
"Praise You In This Storm"
I was sure by now That You would have reached down And wiped our tears away Stepped in and saved the day But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls I barely hear Your whisper through the rain "I'm with you" And as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives And takes away
I'll praise You in this storm And I will lift my hands For You are who You are No matter where I am Every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand You never left my side And though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind You heard my cry You raised me up again My strength is almost gone How can I carry on If I can't find You
As the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain "I'm with you" And as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives And takes away
I lift my eyes unto the hills Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord The Maker of Heaven and Earth
By Casting Crowns My other favorite is Lifesong -awesome!
*sigh* I had a super long day today. Remember how bad you wanted me to work for VCC? Well, they called me for the 5th time so I agreed to an interview. It was hard and weird doing something that I was pursuing for us. After the interview i wanted to call you so bad to tell you how it went. I even reached for the phone, but I could not contact you. Excitement was very mild and I am pretty surprised that it went as well as it did, considering I simply spoke truthfully and wasn't particularly worried whether or not I got the position. They called me back in to offer me the job. I start on Monday working for the HR dept. I know how proud you would be. I also went back to school today. It feels like a lot. I've been spending a lot of time with our friends and family. Leaving town and trying to do good things for Micah. I know I am bothered by the fact that his Dad is not here and I could not save him. I am going to try really hard to make you proud and instill in him the things that meant the most to you. I drove by our apartment complex today. It nearly caused me to drive off the road. All I could imagine was the same person that did this, walking down the road and me never knowing it. I love and miss you so much. I wish I could feel you touch my face. I will put up the pictures from Gwen's graduation. We cried because we were proud, we cried because we knew you should have been there, we cried because we knew how proud you are and how much it meant to you that we gave her our support and yours through our hearts, smiles and hugs. We all miss and love you so much. I will be sharing the wedding album that Eric made for us, with Micah this weekend. It is so beautiful. I truly think the world of it. You are so unbelievably handsome in your wedding suit. I love you with all of my heart and soul. All my love, Kirsten
CONGRATS TO NOEL'S GRADUATE SISTER!! / Mrs. Kirsten Heimburg (Wife) Noel! Gwenny did it! She graduated on Saturday! It was hard not to have you there sitting next to us but I know you had to have been there. I know how proud you are of Gwen and Jennifer. I know that they are making you more and more proud every single day. I really wanted to post pictures in this message but it would not allow me. I will add them to your photo-album sweet-heart. I love you so much!! Wifey
I wrote while sitting on a plane. I find them to be very theraputic. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Journey With Noel
I boarded flight 1401 dreading the very long flight back across country. I was tired, ill and would not be arriving home until after midnight.
As my flight began to depart, I felt the wheels lift off the ground and watched as the pilot obviously struggled a bit in the beginning. I had also never had such a sharp turn as the one experienced while leaving what I like to refer to as The Mountains. The plane was nearly sideways and still having a bit of a struggle finding a steady pattern. As I rode through the bumps that lifted me out of my seat, I looked at my window and found myself slightly laughing due to the obvious lack of concern that I was having for what this plane ride had in store for me. Lately, I have found myself frowning upon what is next to come for me after this life. The ace up the wise man’s sleeve is that I must continue to strive and care for the sake of Micah and my husband’s legacy.
So, I sit and wait. I cannot help but wonder why the engines keep having slight difficulty. I feel truly alone. All I can think is that Noel is that not with me, he has left my side or given up on me, I am certain of it.
I sit back, ignore the turbulence and begin to read the next chapter in my book. I sit and read for nearly an hour and then I look out the window. I realize that this is the first time that I have made this journey over this particular area via flight. The last and only time I ever made nearly the same route was when Noel and I went on a road trip to Colorado and stopped all over the place along the way. No plan of where or when. Colorado was the destination because we threw a dart at a map of the United States so that Noel could fulfill his wish to be the first person I ever went on a real road trip with.
As I am looking out the window I see familiar sites. I, of course, cannot tell if what I am seeing is the exact site that we saw but I know it is in the very same area and has the general appearance so chances are pretty good. I still could not kick this feeling of sadness that was overwhelming me. I tried to continue looking out the window to enjoy the sites but they harbored such pain for me. I tried to look away and could not bring myself to do this.
Now, I happen to truly love flying and everything about heights so I never go to sleep on an airplane as I like to make the most of every experience however for a reason unknown to me, I fell asleep on a plane for the first time ever. I only napped for roughly 15 minutes but it was just enough to stop my head from spinning between looking out at the past and feeling the pain or looking away to the future and feeling that pain. My body, mind and soul overheated and I passed out.
I awoke to the sound of the *beep*beep* to tell us to fasten our seatbelts. The pilot comes over and informs us that we need to be safely seated and all crew members must be as well due to some rough weather. I will admit that I got a bit excited as the announcement came on simply because I thought it would be so beautiful to fly through a storm at such a close up vantage point and what better a time for me to do this than now in my life? I look eagerly out the window to the oncoming ocean of white cloud. My anticipation continues to rise and I find myself glued to the window. It takes everything in me to not laugh as I see all the other heads on the plane freaking out, bouncing left to right and all eyes glued to their windows for an entirely different reason. Everyone sits, secures themselves and my journey begins.
We start to come up on the edge of the cloud and I am amazed at how pure it looks so close to me. I wanted to reach out and run my fingers across it like it was a magical instrument that I could simply brush with my soul and make all the bad go away. As we progressively get fully engulfed by my delightful fluffy white goodness, I start to feel something very strange and foreign to me. I feel my Noel, more intensely than ever before. It was as if he was trying to tell me something.
My relationship with Noel ran strongly on analogies as we strived to be sure that we understood one another. Communication was very important to us. Noel was my Analogy King and I, his Queen. While I stared out the window, I knew he was talking to me again.
Right after I experienced this rash of thoughts, all within approximately 10 seconds, I look down to see a stormy cloud. Granted, the cloud was grey but it did not lack beauty or luster. No more than a few seconds later I see a rainbow and realize I am flying above a rainbow!
Noel knew very well that my mother and I believe that when we see a rainbow it my Grandmother saying, “Hello!” and he always thought it was so neat and made it a point to tell me when he saw a rainbow or direct my attention to a wall when the sunlight would hit glass just right to make dancing rainbows all around us. This was Noel letting me know he was there and that he loves me very, very much. I also saw the rainbow as a symbol of our relationship. To say that it was extraordinary would be a vast understatement as would be trying to say the beauty in a rainbow was just a simple little fluke. Let’s not be naïve here. These same slivers of light and moisture could come together and create any design but it just so happens that we see this beautiful array of colors with the appearance of an aura. This is no fluke my friends, this is the beauty that is Kirsten and Noel Heimburg, the beauty of my Mother and her Mother and Father, my Father and his Father, my four missing siblings that I believe play together in heaven every single day… this is definitely the undeniable beauty of the connection between the heavens and earth, the angels and the humans.
The rainbow passes beneath me and I feel the salty tears burn my cheeks. I begin to speak with my husband. I am certain there are a million things that I would like to say to him if I had the chance and the preparation time however, in this passing moment all I could tell him was how much I missed him. Then the cloud around the plane thickens and I am left with only a mediocre level of site from my window. The sky darkens and the grey clouds thicken. I see Noel’s analogy continuing to work and I understand him, step by step, in a way that our shared brain would only understand.
In Noel’s wedding vows, he declared that we share a brain and everyone should know that this is undoubtedly true.
I see that Noel is telling me that things were hard and we had our really rough times in both of our lives before we ever met and then we had this horrible storm that we are going through now but most importantly I could tell he wanted to show me where it would lead.
As I am now quite certain that everyone on the plane thinks I am a loony girl because I am the only one smiling through this storm with tears running down my face and complete confidence that everything is going to be just fine, we enter our next portion of the storm. What was strikingly beautiful about this was all possibilities of site were now removed. This was faith. The silky white clouds where so thick that they brightened the plane. There was no longer any grey and no more turbulence. I am not sure that I will be able to explain this properly as I have not been a very religious person but if there is a heaven, I was in it today holding Noel’s hand. Beaming white clouds blanketed all else. Not that you can control a single operation on an airplane ride but being able to see in front of you sends us a false sense of security and control.
This was the time to let go of control and just have faith. I could feel my loved ones holding me tight.I am not sure if I started to hallucinate or not but I am pretty sure Noel was speaking to me while I sat on this plane with my steady stream of tears tumbling down and creating a salty ocean on my lap. This was his way of showing me heaven and that we had so much beauty between us that no matter what happens or what changes are to come, nothing and no one could ever come between us. The only thing we have lost is our physical relationship and albeit a tragedy that no one deserves to go through, we still do have one another.
After drifting through this amazing abyss of heaven, the light from the sun begins to break through and patches of blue sky, the color of Noel’s eyes, begin to stare back at me. I’m now surrounded by earth again. My trip in the sky with Noel is over and he is telling me that through all of this, I must be patient until I am with him again and that for now I have to continue to allow the waves of good and bad pour through my spirit.
For now, I will concentrate on taking care of little Micah, our family and our friends, I will start making a much more conscience effort to take better care of myself and to continue to share Noel’s legacy because his beautiful soul created a life story that I believe deserves to be told. I will write Noel’s story, this is only the beginning.
Sylvie wrote you a poem and I think it is beautiful. I will place it here with everyone's words of love and send it to you to keep forever.
I love you my sweet. -Mrs. Kirsten Heimburg _________________________________________ I write because it finally flows out of me, finally I write because I am no longer scared of what will come out How it will feel Whom it will hurt And needing too know why
I type because it does not matter Spell check and editing come later Because I need to release and do it now while my head is light What will come- is coming-I do not know I am just keeping up with my thoughts
I am just keeping up with my thoughts Without critic or self judgment I am still dancing around the issues I wish to catharses-release Their grief wells up in me and I feel it I am biding my time I skirt the poetic to avoid the profound, the pain
The truth is I grieve I grieve heavy and hard and no, I am not okay And no, I do not feel like saying I will be aright and no and no and no. For truly I dont know and in this moment tears- My eyes glisten wet but only on the in layers of my gravamen Thin layers peeling forth and flapping like a sun-drying sheet in the wind
The suction of this portal that pulls you and blast you- I only wish- While we dance No for I would rather deny than except No because yes relinquishes all control No because saying so, thinking so, believing so, might bring me back
This is a flood, The Flood, and I am sitting in the blackout cabin, without Teacake and my eyes are watching god There is nothing else to be seen here There is nothing else-to be done
I am waiting for you as I smoke a cigarette Dinner is burning But I cannot escape the feeling that you will come somehow This you are here with me bullshit is wounding some how And I am alone waiting for its comfort I am beside myself Truly beside my self
This is the first time I smoke a cigarette in my apartment I open up both doors However, I cannot be at both doors at once and that is the problem That is the problem.
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