Who got to decide...? / Mrs. Kirsten Heimburg (Wife)
So here is my big question: Who was it that decided that it was such a grand idea to take away the love of my life?
Was it this superior being that we all look to for love and support? I am having a rather difficult time seeing this as a very "loving" action.
I was looking at pictures of Noel and myself and you know what I discovered? There weren't enough. I'm missing a million more. I am missing the next 50 years. WHO THE HELL GETS TO SPEND 5 MONTHS AND 18 DAYS WITH THEIR SOUL MATE??!? Angry- does not even come close to the emotion that I feel in the pit of my soul.
It isn't even like we had some aweful fight and he walked out. I cannot run back and promise to make it better. I can't go to him and offer my gurantee that I won't fuck up again. The relationship was filled with good and I have nothing to regret but I cannot help but acknowledge the fact that no matter what I want to do there is NOTHING that I can do.
To top it off, how are there possibly still people in this world fighting the fact that I love my husband so dearly. How can anyone second guess what we had?!?!! The only thing that explains it, is the fact that those people did not know us *nearly* as well as they may "say" they do.
Five minutes. That's all it took. Even people who thought we might be "hiding the bad side" soon found out that we weren't. We didn't have one. We weren't perfect and we knew that, but we were perfect for each other. We knew that as long as we were together, the whole world would continue to progress just as it should. But if that were true than what the HELL happened?!?!?
I hate this life. I hate being here without Noel. The reason I can smile and laugh and be so called "happy" is because I know it is all temporary. In the back of my mind I always know that this is going to end. Either I see him again or I don't but I only have to go through this stupid little life and then be done with this misery. I love my step son and my entire family but I truly wish, every single day of my life, that I could go back in time and jump my happy ass in front of Noel. HE is the amazing one. I am no where near the person he is. I do not have half as much to offer this world. I can pretend and enjoy this mask for as long as humanly possible but it is all false. My husband made me the luckiest woman alive when he married me. Just look at his smile. Remember a one minute conversation with him. You know I am right. There is nothing in this world that will ever come close to Noel. Nothing. I will always be filled with this enormous sadness that is overlapped with a heart breaking emptiness. The horrific feelings will envelope me until one of two things happens. One, I loose my mind entirely or Two, I join him where ever he is and I accept that that could be a beautiful new world or in a mass complex universe of nothingness. I'm ready.
I won't hurt myself because I know it would hurt others and I am not that selfish but I am more than over spending time on this earth. I can sit in the most beautiful place in the world and it will lack the luster. I may physically see this beauty but I will never feel it again. My life, will forever more be, an illusion.
I don't know where I would be without the amazing companionship of Noels Dad, Sisters and cousins that have kept in constant contact with me. I get to play the role of daddy to the most amazing little boy in the world and as much as it may seem like I do, it never ever feels like I can possibly do enough. How can I?! I cannot bring his father back. I can't teach him all the trades of basketball or how to talk to girls. Someday he is going to need his dad and ONLY his dad and I cannot give that to him. WHY!?!?! Because Noel protected me~!!! God! Damn boys! I know he did what he felt but what I feel is that I should have been in his place. I'm the one who left in the pitch black night to go to school and come home and just this one damn occassion, I wasn't. He came home late. He stopped to buy me dinner. It was one of those rare times where I didn't talk to him the whole way home. I may have no regrets of my relationship with my soul mate but I have plenty of random regrets of how that night could have gone differently. I think if only I were smart enough to have done something different when I was holding him. Did I waste time by carrying him in to keep him safe from someone who was already gone? I promise I didn't know he was already gone. I thought I could save Noel's life and protect him from the "attempted robber".
I lost my chance to save his life. It is gone forever now. I lost my soulmate. I lost my best friend. I lost my husband. I lost my future children and my future grand children. I cannot begin to express how lost I am. I wear a homemade mask that I carry in my purse and can put on at the drop of a dime. The phone rings- mask goes on. Door gets knocked on- mask goes on. Have to go to an appointment- mask goes on. It is a lovely mask of a strong, smiling young lady. A girl who knows the world will still be okay and things will work out. Underneath lies this scared little girl, standing out in the cold, dark rain. I am standing there with this enormous pain shooting through my heart, every second of every day. I cannot rid myself of this constant longing to touch my husbands face or hold his hand. I cannot rid myself of the longing to hear him argue with me. I don't care if I were to only hear him shout, "I HATE YOU!!!", if only I could hear him one more time. If only I could touch his skin, one last time.
So, I took this mini-vacation to the beach to get some time alone with My Noel. I'm sitting here at about 830, nearly dark skies, ocean about 5 feet away listening to the waves crash and watching a bon fire. This very serene setting that I have placed myself in is anything but. There is a young couple a few feet away, sitting at the bon fire talking about how they are getting married on Saturday. They sit with other couples that are talking about how to survive 20 years of marriage and how being married puts everything in "perspective" and all I want to do is shout at the top of my lungs, "YOU INSANE YUPPIE FOOLS!!! How can you really be sitting here talking about the downfalls of marriage. You selfish selfish bastards! You are SO blessed to have this amazing life behind and hopefully in front of you and all you do is talk about the negative! What the hell is wrong with you!!!!!!"
So the bottom line is- who got to decide how my husband was going to leave this earth? Who got to decide that he was leaving at the age of 29. Who got to decide that we were going to be seperated only months after our marriage and only months before we started trying for children.
WHO GOT TO DECIDE!!????!!!
And why weren't we consulted? I believe we would have said that we were not okay with this. I miss my Noel more than this rant could even begin to express. I will be sure to put this on his website. Just incase they have internet where ever he is. Them's jokes, he'd get it. I love you Noel.
Love Always,
Your Wifey
21st.... the new worst day. / Mrs. Kirsten Heimburg (Wife) Today is another 21st. I hate this day. I miss you. I feel like I am losing my mind. This mask gets harder and harder every day. I love you. -Pucca
Today is April 16th, 2006 and it is Easter. I am not sure what I am expected to do or say or feel today but this is the first real holiday without you and I cannot do or say anything. I have a whole lot of feelings, I feel as though my head might explode with my heart to follow. I had easter-esque plans today but I don't want to leave my house. I won't leave my house. I got a puppy. You would love him. He is an Australian Cattle Dog (aka Red Heeler) and his name is Sun Tzu Locke Heimburg. I know you will understand where I got all of that from. I was thinking yesterday how all of this seems like one of two things. 1.) I am still dreaming- a horrible long dream that continues on to show me days, weeks, months and years later. This is the worst nightmare I could ever imagine. 2.) The last four years of my life are pretty much a blur right now. Almost as if I had read them from a book. Some great romance novel with an unhappy ending. I guess the great loves of the world have had tragedy pretty much over all the seas of time. I still wish we could swap places though.
I am still so confused by everything. I think I am getting to the "angry" part of the "healing cycle". I find that I am more irritable and angry lately. I don't mean to be and I find myself apologizing often, usually before I am truly mean but I hate having to apologize all the time. I need to find a way to stop being so grumpy. I'm sure that if I actually got a full nights rest I would be much better but I can't. I need your magic back massage. This really cannot be it. I know on a logical level that I am never going to touch you again on this earth or in this lifetime. I absolutely hate that thought. We were so close every single day. We always knew it was too good to be true. I miss your hands, face, legs, feet, nose, eyebrows......i miss every single thing about you. I even miss arguing with you- no one gets me the way you do and I am quite certain no one ever will. It was a miracle in itself that we ever found each other to begin with. It shocked me to meet someone that I felt like I had always known. Maybe we had already met in a different lifetime and this was just the amount of time we got to spend together here. Maybe next time will be much much more. I don't think there is any possible way for it to be any shorter. I guess I should go now. I truly do hate living without you. I put a smile and a mask on. I pretend everything is just fine for the people that we both love so dearly. oh, before I forget- Eric sent me all the pictures.... I just haven't had the heart to look at them yet. Once I get some alone time (maybe later today) I will go through them. I am sure they are beautiful- I can't imagine a picture of you being any less than that.
If there is an Easter where you are at, I hope you really enjoy today and be sure to visit my heart as often as possible... it seems to be malfunctioning without you today.
I love you so much Noel. I desperately want to touch your face one more time. i wish I could have stolen you from Baldwin Fairchild but then- I'm pretty sure most people would look at me funny!
I miss you yesterday, today and forever. You are still my all.
I love you baby.
Love, Your Wifey
Lonesome tonight... / Mrs. Kirsten Heimburg (Wife) Hey sweetheart- It's about a quarter after midnight. I'm laying here through the first real rain storm since you passed away. We used to cuddle up so tight during rain storms. Remember how we could hear the rain on the chimney? Everyone is out and about tonight. It is one of my first real nights alone. I didn't sleep at all last night and even with that, I can't seem to fall asleep tonight. I miss you so much. I am so terribly lonely. I want to cuddle with you desperately. I went to Kristina's baby shower today. It was very nice but reminded me of the fact that I can never have your baby. That doubles all of the pain that I feel every single day. I wish we could run outside and do cartwheels in the rain... then come back in for a hot bath and some homemade hot chocolate- the kind only you knew how to perfect. I love how happy we made each other and how much fun we had. I cannot wait to be with you again to play and laugh and hold each other so close. I keep thinking about how we would put our faces together, cheek to cheek, and just feel how perfectly we lined up. Every inch of us matched perfectly. There is nothing and no one that could ever take that away. Not even this horrible person that did this. We will always have perfection in each other. We always knew we were not perfect but that we were perfect for each other and that was ALWAYS more than enough. I was thinking of how it was mentioned to me that my tattoo of your name was intense. I want you to know that that is exactly the point. It is to make it clear to the world that no one will ever be able to be to me what you are. You are my love, my soulmate, my true best friend and, as I always told you, far more than I ever could have imagined having in my husband. You were right when you say that we were married the day we got engaged. On that day, we made a decision to spend the rest of our lives and more together. The wedding was the officiating but you where correct, it started long before that. It was still far too short but always, truly wondeful. I love you so much my sweet sweet hero. I am going to go, listen to the rain, feel the hurt and the magic of remembering your arms around me. I am so lucky to have what we have. I know that I cannot touch you but that you are here with me every single day. Thank you for that. I promise to do my best job ever taking care of Micah. I made a commitment to take him into my heart as my son when I first met him and I want you to know that I intend to continue that. I will not let him forget you and I will not let you down in the things you wanted to teach him. Your legacy will live on and I will make sure of it. I do wish I could kiss your beautiful face again.... all in due time I suppose. I miss you so bad Noel. I love you so very very much baby. Keep my seat warm, I'll take care of things down here love. ALWAYS AND FOREVER, -Mrs. Kirsten Y. Heimburg
What to do... / Mrs. Kirsten Heimburg (Wife) So, today I discovered a new kind of pain. This pain that I feel cannot be put into words. I have this horrible ache inside that I cannot control or even tell where it is coming from. It hurts so bad and certain things torment me every morning and night. First thing when I wake up and last thing when I go to bed. Help me through this please.
I love you so much.
-Mrs. Noel Jefferson Heimburg
be strong / Dan Deaver
I pray for your strength, Kirsten. I don't claim to understand what you must be going thru, but there are plenty of us out here willing to help in whatever way we can.
-a co-worker from way back
Noely Hugs!! / Jennifer Heimburg (Little Sis ) Hey big brother... I miss you so much today. I need your strength and advice and your big arms to hug me. I want you to know I am trying to make all of the right decisions and grow and make you proud, but everything is getting harder and harder lately.
I pray and pray for the strength, knowledge and understanding to guide me through life. Today I just feel so far away from all of my usual sources of this. Please just let me know that you are still watching over me, just like you always did. I miss you like crazy and I am so confused right now.
Kirsten & Noel's Family~ May you always know the love that brought you and Noel together is a bond that cannot be severed by death. May you be surrounded by the love of all who knew and cared for your dear husband, Kirsten, and may you share him freely for the rest of your life. We pray that peace touch your heart and that you all begin to heal. May you be gently reminded each day how precious your life is, how truly blessed you have been to be touched by such a special angel.
Noel will never be forgotten. His incredible legacy lives on with each of you.
Angels Hugs,
Melanie & Mike Lemmer Anson, Alex, & Avery who we hold in our arms, and Aidan who we hold forever in our hearts...
It is so easy to keep you in our hearts, yet it is so difficult to think about you because It hurts so very much & it always will. Dammit I can hardly even see the keyboard through all these tears. I just wanted to tell you that I love you!
It is pretty cold here today but your memory warms my spirit, my heart & my soul. I wish I could just call you, hug you, kiss your cheek....anything would be nice.
It's funny ya know I never thought I would ever have to feel this pain & I don't think any of us really know how to deal with it. I thank you for the love you gave us, the memories we have & I thank you for being so giving. I know when you married Kirsten you did so because you loved her with your whole heart, but you also gave our family an addition that we could never be thankful enough for..her & her family.
Thank you & I Love you!
Dyana
Problem/ Mrs. Kirsten Heimburg (Wife) You know that pesky little problem that is going on at a time where it is the last thing I need? You know, the one we thought we already delt with... I need you to help give me patience with this. At a time like this having this particular problem could lead to something very uhmmm, unwelcome.
On a brighter note: Your family has been amazing support. Everyone. Your momma is going to get me the video from Christmas and Jen and I are driving out to see Gwen and Nick tonight. Dad is being so supportive and, as always, as kind as anyone could ever imagine. I will hopefully be seeing Dyana, James, Tattum and Chris next weekend at the latest. My parents have been doing everything in their power to make this a bit less painful. Scott tells me he loves me every single day, not to mention the late night hugs. It is really comforting to have such amazing people all around me. If you see Shelly, Greg, Uncle Bob, Uncle Dennis, Shannon, Beth, Grandma and Grandpa Riggs or Grandpa Preztak (phew! I'm going to keep you busy!) please give them big hugs and love from me. I miss all of you so much. I have to believe that I will see you all again or I will simply lose my mind. I love you terribly and cannot wait to see you again. Forever your wife, -Mrs. Kirsten Heimburg aka Pucca
For Noel / Jason Gardieff (Friend) Noel,
I feel as though a huge part of me lies with you. You were a like a brother to me and there is now an enormous gaping hole in my life and I am missing a lot of the brilliance that you shone on all of us.
You were always so good at everything you did and I am forever proud of you for that. I remember you for your smile and grace and charisma and style. I remember all the hours we spent working on projects together, playing video games and tennis, and laughing at you watching you curse while you worked on your car. I remember watching you during your wedding feeling oddly like a proud father in that moment. I remember you for so many things and all of them were so good.
I miss your smile and the stability and hope and inspiration you gave to me. I miss the countless hours of ramblings on about nothing and everything. I miss being able to call you when I was feeling down and feeling better instantly by talking to you about anything. Mostly I just miss you.
I'm not sure why you stepped out when you did but I know that you did what you had to. There are a lot of people here that still need you to guide them and inspire them and I am one of those people.
I'll put on an endless pot of coffee for you and dream of a day when we can pick up where we left off. I know if we find each other again it will feel like the first day we met.
I deeply miss you my beloved friend. I will do everything I can to make you as proud of me as I was of you, just drop me a hint from time to time to let me know the right things to do becuase I am feeling a bit lost without you.
Help us all to take care of each other.
Rest in peace wandering star, we will forever love and remember you. You were amazing.
I have been with Jen, Gwen and Nick all weekend. It has been really good for me. There's such an enormous level of comfort that they bring me. I spooned Jen the last two nights and it felt like you were there with me again. It should have been sad but it was actually really nice. It still isn't the same. All this time without you, I am just, I don't know. I just miss you so much. I've been in contact with a ton of your old friends that have been finding me. It is so nice to talk to people who knew how amazing you are and who showed you that. I am glad to know that so many people saw what I did in you. You are my favorite. I cannot wait to see you again. I love you so so much. I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU. love, Your Wifey PS. I found the CD with 100 mp3's that you made for me in my CD case the other day. Oh man- how sweet you are. All of the songs on there remind me of some day and time that I spent with you, but I am sure you know that because you made it! I cannot tell you how much I am still so crazy about you. OH! And thank you for keeping all the notes I put in your lunch. Your work gave them to me. You are the best husband, EVER. I love you baby.
March 20 / Mrs. Kirsten Heimburg (Wife) Today at 7:45PM this nightmare started. I will be with you tonight like I was that night and I wont allow anyone to hurt you this time. I will find him. Just as we will always keep our wedding vows, I vow this to you as well. My love.
A Family / Eric &. Ginger Sundin (Uncle & Aunt ) As a family we shape one anothers lives. Sometimes we grow together, sometimes apart, but that doesn't change how we are connected. We are responsible to be there for each other, always. Children are influenced not only by their parents but by their entire extended family. We learn from one another, we share our precious time. And when the time comes, we have to love enough to say goodbye. Thank you Noel, for being our child too. Thank you for sharing you life with us. The time was much too short but the memories will always be deeply engrained in our hearts. You are with us forever. Love, Aunt Ginger & Uncle Eric
Today/ Mrs. Kirsten Heimburg (Wife) Today I got your clothes. You smell so good. I am going back to the cemetery to see you today. I find it calming there. Today, I will bring a book and read to you like we used to do all the time. My pops is working on the A/C here today- I'm positive he misses your helpful hands. You are a jack of all AND a master of all. I miss you so damn much. I know you know that I hurt. Everyday- I hurt so much more. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. You are my favorite. I love you so much. Don't ever go away. Love always, Your wifey
Condolences to the family / Jeannine Emery (sister of Jack Brunjes ) Sorry I did not know Noel but I want to send my condolences to the family and will say a prayer. I am the sister of Jack Brunjes and he has spoken highly of Noel and the family.
Dear Noel, So... I see all these little signs that make me think of you and tell me that you are with me. Can you send me a sign on how to do this? This whole day in and day out thing is so freaking much harder without you. I take naps now- you know I NEVER took naps- I take naps all the time now. I miss you more than I could ever possibly put into words. I'm sorry if I failed you in any way that night. I tried to stay calm and do good but it was hard. I'm sorry- I hope I did ok. I love you with far more than my heart. I love you with all of me, all I've ever been, all I'll ever be. Thank you for saving my life- long before that night ever even happened. If you get some spare time, just send me a sign of how to do this without you, cuz it gets more and more confusing every single day. Thank you so damn much for what we had/have. We always talked about how lucky we are because we have something some people never get to experience. I am eternaly greatful for that but robbed of our plans to grow old on a swinging porch bench with little grand kids running around. I will write more to you later, I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you. I love you terribly. ~~~~BSGOMF~~~~~~~ -Your wifey P.S. You always made me SOOOO proud. *!Besos!* *!Besos!**!Besos!**!Besos!**!Besos!*
A Heartwarming poem... / Tattum Duvall (Cousin) When Tomorrow Starts Without Me
When tomorrow starts without me and I'm not here to see... If the sun should rise and find your eyes filled with tears for me, I wish so much you wouldn't cry the way you did today... While thinking of the many things we didn't get to say. I know how much you love me, as much as I love you... And each time you think of me, I know you'll miss me, too. But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand... That Jesus came and called my name and took me by the hand, And said my place was ready in heaven far above... And that I'd have to leave behind all those I dearly love. So when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart... For every time you think of me, I'm right here in your heart.
As we grew up together we laughed & we played, We swam in gramps pool every summer, almost everyday.
We shared good times & great times & never any bad We never thought we would have to live without you & that life would be this sad.
There are things in life that will always remind me of you I can only hope that others will have these memories too.
I remember your smile everyday because it shined like the sun it was bright & glorious & full of fun.
Your eyes I remember when I look at the trees They were clam, peaceful & would set you free.
Your spirit was like the wind on a warm summer’s day it made you feel comfortable & loved in every way.
We try to rejoice & be thankful for the time that we got It just very hard to feel that way when you know what you’ve lost.
Our love will remain although your body is not here Your spirit is with us & that we hold dear.
We question everyday how God could take you away We will never have those answers so we will continue to pray:
God, Please help keep us strong as our hearts try to mend We have suffered the greatest loss..a part of our family & our friend. We do not understand why you would take someone so dear Our hearts are full of hurt & anger, we are enraged yet full of fear. We need your grace & your love to help us make it through We need justice to prevail, God, we leave this up to you! We will try to forgive this man that took Noel away By your helping hands will be the only way. We cannot bear this pain alone & the anger towards this man so God we have no choice, we leave this burden in your hands.
I am not sure if there are enough words to say. Noel, you were my first friend. I can remember how excited I got everytime my mom told us we were going to Grandpa's, I knew you would be there and we were going to play together. Every memory of childhood, Christmas,Thanksgiving,Easter, Birthdays. The times you never forget!!! You are so much a part of those times in my life, I so long to talk to you about those times and the memories two kids made. I was blessed to have you as my cousin. 3 weeks ago you were stolen from us and i'm still searching for peace and Gods grace to carry me. My life will never be the same, I love you and miss you I will never forget. you'r cousin Chris Campbell PS give grandma a kiss for me tell her i love her
Tributes and Condolences
Dear Noel,
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