Noel,

Everything feels like it is deflating. I'm losing all sense of control over my thoughts and I think, rather I know I am not well.
I have a hard time talking to everyone and as soon as I am back by myself I want to scream. 
Everytime I am in my car going anywhere I want SO desperately to pick up my phone and call you and chat like we used to. Then it hits me all over again that I will NEVER be able to call you and you will NEVER call me again to tell me that you love me or that you miss me or about your good or bad day. There will never be anyone that I will enjoy speaking with the way that I did with you. Our connection was one in far more than a million. 
I hate myself for not being able to save you. I hate myself for agreeing that you should cancel your 3:00 PM appointment that day because you NEVER would have worked late.
I hate that I didn't tell you to come home right away and I would make dinner. I hate that I hung up the phone with you minutes before.
I hate that I didnt know what to do. I hate that I was nervous on the phone with 911. 
I absolutely hate this fucking life without you. I hate what this bastard has done to us, to you, to our life, our future- he has taken you away from everyone and what kills me more still, you had already overcome so damn much. It isn't like you had some cake walk of a life. IT was HARD. You had been through enough. No on deserves this but especially not you. You truly would have continued to change lives for the rest of your life- the way you changed mine. 
My life is.... empty, dissapointing, stagnant and dry. 
They say time heals well I dont know who they are but they are wrong. I go further and further into this abyss every single day. 
I scare even myself now with the thoughts in my head. 
They are going to try and fix me but I just don't understand and CANNOT IMAGINE fixing me after this. After losing you and after everything I saw that night. How will I EVER be sane again?!!?!?!?!? 
It seems like a fable. How do you make someone better that is haunted with this?!!!!!!!!!!!
I guess if nothing else, I am glad you are not here to see me like this because I know you are the ONE person I could not hide it from. I just feel so akward and out of place around everyone. I have a hard time deciding between crying, throwing up, screaming.....
Sleeping is a distant memory. I close my eyes and go back there and I can't stop it. Supposedly their going to fix that too. Another thing I dont understand.
There's so much stuff that people want to tell me that I am not in the right frame of mind to hear and I don't have the heart to tell them so I distance myself even more. I realise I am optional to everyone now but I don't want to make that worse by adding distance.
There's no fixing this. No damn way.
Between the excuse for a human being that did this to you and myself- I carry so much hate right now. Why couldn't I fix you? WHy... I am SO sorry. sorry.
So now I will say I love you to invisible ears and kiss a memory goodnight. 
I love youNoel. Always.
-Your Kirsten

I think I'm ready: For some sort of group therapy. Meeting and speaking with other people that have been through this. I have never and never thought I would want such a thing but I find myself rotating between:

Happy

Angry

Sad

Totally and utterly depressed

I've let my daily life turn into a big blur of nothingness and although I don't like it, I don't care enough to change it. I'm bitter and lonely. I miss Noel- I miss every single thing about him down to kissing his toes. Everyone has their advice... now I think I just need to speak with some people who have been here- in these exact shoes. The husband, wife- soulmate. I need to know there is a light at the end of this tunnel.... this never ending, dark- long- tunnel. It hurts in a way that I cannot describe- even when I smile.

I'm sorry I couldn't come to Noel's funeral. I had hoped to, but at the last minute I couldn't make it. Here is what I wanted to say.


I haven’t seen Noel in many years. The last time I saw him was at our grandfather’s funeral, and those weren’t the best of circumstances. We grew apart in our later teenage years and we didn’t see each other much as adults. But I knew him pretty well when we were younger, and I think I understood some things about him that don’t change.

When Noel and I were young teenagers, we went on a camping trip with our grandparents. We rode in the back of an old Bronco II for weeks, visiting Mammoth Cave, Mount Rushmore, the Rocky Mountains, many places. I remember one night, as we explored the forests around some campsite, far out of sight of our grandparents, he pulled out a big old pocket knife. It was a fun toy for a couple of boys to have. We cut trees with it, maybe we cut some bugs, I don’t remember. But I do remember that I broke the knife. I dropped it on a rock and the handle shattered. I broke his contraband! If he had broken my contraband, I would have been really upset about it. But Noel got over it almost instantly. “Don’t worry about it, it’s not a big deal.”

That’s just a tame example. Noel forgave me a lot of bad things I did to him. Noel was tolerant of his friends – actually, he was fairly protective of me around his other friends, since I was shy and he was not. I wasn’t the only person he protected, though – he covered for all his friends, and he overlooked their flaws. More importantly, when bad things happened, Noel knew how to get beyond them, to see these things in their right perspective. It was a skill far beyond his years, and I hope it’s something he kept with him throughout his life.

In a way, Noel was an enigma to me – he sometimes sought out trouble, and he got into lots of it, but he was loyal, protective, wise, and level-headed. In a nutshell, Noel was noble, sort of like he had some royal blood in him. When I tried to describe Noel to my friends yesterday, they couldn’t really make any sense of what I meant by “noble.” But I think it would ring true to people who knew him.

His death is a stupid loss.

I’m very sorry I couldn’t be at the funeral, but my thoughts are with Noel and his family.

ITS BEEN FOUR LONG MONTHS NOW THE PAIN FROM YOUR LOSS  IS 
NOT GOING TO GO AWAY!!  I MUST STOP THIS!!  I LOOK TO THE HEAVENS 
BUT I DONT HEAR  WHAT  I  WANT.  I LOOK TO OTHERS  FOR COMFORT 
THEY CANT OFFER ME. PAIN IS THE ONLY MEDICINE I TAKE. EVERYDAY 
BRINGS ANOTHER MEMORY OF YOU .I WILL SPEND MY TIME  LOVING  THOSE YOU LOVE.REMEMBERING THE BEST DAYS OF OUR LIVES 
AND PRAYING THAT  FATHER TIME   WILL  BRING THE  PERSON 
THAT HAS SERVED US  WITH THIS GREAT LOSS.UNTIL THEN I HOLD MY HEAD HIGH  CHOKE BACK THE TEARS OF PAIN, SUFFERING  AND LONELINESS,   REMEBERING THAT  SOMEDAY WE WILL ALL BE TOGETHER.
LET YOUR SPIRIT SOAR YOU  CONTINUE TO TOUCH US   STILL TODAY  EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE GONE TODAY .    YOU WILL NEVER BE  FORGOTTEN!!
MISSING AND LOVING YOU FOREVER  WILL BE A PART OF OUR LIVES 
WE TAKE WITH US. FOREVER YOURS  MISSING YOU TODAY EVERYDAY.
 

Today is the 20th...

Current Song obsession of the day: Fly Away by Poe

It makes sense that it should happen this way
That the sky should break, and the earth should shake
As if to say: Sure it all matters but in such an
unimportant way
As if to say:

Fly away, sweet bird of prey
Fly fly away
Nothing can stand in your way
Sweet bird, if you knew the words
I know you'd say: fly, fly away

It makes sense that it should hurt in this way
That my heart should break, and my hands should shake
As if to say: Sure it don't matter except in the most
important way
As if to say:

Fly away, sweet bird of prey
Fly fly away
I won't stand in your way
Sweet bird, if you knew the words
I know that you'd say: fly, fly away

It makes sense that it should feel just this way
That you slowly fade and yet still remain
As if to say: Everything matter in such an invisible way
As if to say: It's O.K.
Fly...away

Goodbye, Bye, Goodbye
I'm back
Am I gonna get sued for saying that?
Call Me later
See ya, I love you, bye
I'm gone

I LOVE YOU NOEL- NOW AND FOREVER
Okay

HAPPY FATHERS DAY MY LOVE.
I was supposed to be waking up early, while you slept in.
Dressing Micah and making a mess in the kitchen while we attempted to make you something remotely edible for breakfast.
You would stumble out of bed with that huge smile on your face and hug the two of us with a joy you only get from holding your family.
We would give you our homemade gifts- Micah's would look WAY better than mine and our cards that go on and on about loving and praising you.
Then we would all go out and play some basketball, canoe, and fly a kite.
Stopping midday for lunch.
We would then head home and curl up for a movie... all of us falling asleep on the sofa because none of us could choose who should sit on the other sofa! 
Then we would tuck Micah in bed and then ourselves. 
We would have our nightly giggles and climb into bed.
I would kiss you with all of my love and remind you that Father's Day, is your day- you are an amazing father and that I am SO proud of you. I will tell you that I love you and you will tell me- but always in a way that didn't seem pale. 
I would snuggle my head upon your chest while you either read me to sleep or play your PSP while I watch some silly movie. I would pass out and then you would follow and we would have slept intertwined until tomorrow.
This is how they've gone and how this Father's Day should have went. In my heart- this happened.
I love you Noel.

NOEL & KIRSTEN HEIMBURG'S WEDDING SONG

(you wouldn't believe the sweetness he was saying to me during these moments...(Noel- you will always be my "Throw -1/22))

~SEPTEMBER 3, 2005 - ...~

I won't spend my life, waiting for an angel to descend,
searching for a rainbow with an end,
now that I've found you
I'll call off the search.

and I won't spend my life, gazing at the stars up in the sky
wondering if love will pass me by
now that I've found you
I'll call off the search

Out on my own I would never have known
this world that I see today
and I've got a feeling
it won't fade away

and I won't end my days, wishing that love would come along,
cause you are in my life where you belong
now that I've found you
I'll call off the search

ow ow ow....happy....ow ow ow...

So many people having little ones all around me. I am torn to pieces on how happy/sad/jealous/crazy this is for me.

I hold a little person and feel so much joy and then I think of how our baby would have looked and I want to cry. I do not want to say this is not fair because everyone I know that is having their beautiful little humans, deserves that joy but it is a feeling of amiss for us. 8 more months, a million more years, infinite kisses.... i hate numbers.

So now, not only do I feel a sense of lonesome which equates to jealousy which has lead to my new feelings of contrition. A whole new boat load of emotions to be antipathic about. *sigh*

It is what it is.

I miss you my Noel.

For Noel.

Where am I going? As opposed to where I've come?

My future, my dreams, my entire world, has come undone.

How is it that I am lost, when the path was so straight?

My good, my bad, my everything- I have learned to manipulate.

Was there a before? Will there be an after?

Did I touch you then? Will I again hear your laughter?

I dwell in a world of confusion,

Everyday, another pathetic illusion.

With you... I found loyalty, love, sane obsession,

Without you... I found my old friends- hate, anger, insane aggression.

Living everyday in a lost world of memories,

My lonesome sword, striking all our enemies.

I should be able to call on you for support or just a loving ear,

Fuck the person, who was dead on to say, "Life...... just isn't fair".

Your stunning eyes, so deep and so blue,

Even the heavens, could not compete with you.

What is this journey that I am destined to take?

It is so desolate - like an ever still lake.

Not a ripple, not a wave, not a current in site,

My homemade mask, fights each stormless night.

I'm a phony, I'm a storyteller, and I am tired of lying,

I am not okay today, another piece of me dying.

Out of sight leads to out of mind,

It must be so nice, to be the ignorant kind.

When I think of the words, "...I thee wed",

I know each night, I shall lie, in a cold and lonely bed.

Everyone around me, has someone to embrace,

I don't think they always acknowledge, the importance of that place.

We had it all, we wanted for nothing,

Our lives complete with the slip of one ring.

To Say: I'm disconcerted is the understatement of the year, that I'm sad- of the decade, that I'm infuriated- of my generation,

Is it possible to control and convert this frustration?

I will spend my life transforming, adjusting to fit,

My animal instincts, will not allow me to quit.

How is it possible to go so astray, when I only had one street to travel?

Who knew I would have to schedule time for my heart to unravel.

Long before I met you, I had an unexplainable depression,

I guess I've been mourning this my whole life, preparing for this regression.

Unjust complications, have been put in the birth of our life,

We were still infants, as husband and wife.

Wake up Noel! I wanted to shout,

While I helped them close the lid, that closed your vision out.

My sensitive, optimistic, cheerful side has died,

At least I can look back and confirm... I tried.

I will never find peace, but rather aim for a calm inside,

The storms yet to come, for my eternal ride.

So many times I said, "I don't know what I would do without you,"

You reminded me each time that I would, "Tell the world what is true."

Too much has come, too much evil, too much has gone,

Too much has been taken between one dusk and one dawn.

I have nothing to deny, that I have gone far beyond crazy,

Am I comfortable in my insanity?... well, just maybe.

It's a lonesome, deserted road that I walk,

Ignoring the length of this journey, with only myself to talk.

I think of my "youth", my ever so young age,

And how I've become an actress, with The World as my stage.

We have become those love birds, sitting high up in their nest,

You are now torpid and I wait for my turn to rest.

If you take me away from here, I will leave my bags behind,

The only thing I have ever needed, was for you to be mine.

Encompassing me from you, is FAR TOO MUCH SPACE,

Empty and alone,.... unforgiving of this place.

From here on out, I offer a false joy,

Of an innocent little girl, that lost her favorite boy.

You were the only, possible medication,

A chemical balance for my life long tribulation.

Please leave the lights on and allow me to find you,

There is so much without you- that I just cannot do.

I try to go on, each day and make you proud,

But everytime I fall, it draws an unwanted crowd.

When I see the unruly presence of weeds among the grass,

I wonder, if not for them... would it just seem too crass?

Come visit me in my tiny..... little tiny cell,

Please take my hand and guide me out of this hell.

Let's tighten the clasp and prepare for our ride,

When it gets to scary, in your embrace... I will hide.

I wane on my desire, to know it all,

My mask is my red-herring, I wear it when the critics call.

Smirk at me once more my love, smile because you once again, know more,

When this is over and I stand before you, please be there, one last time... to carry me through that door.

Hold me close, so safe and ever so tight-

 I do not care where we must go, on our last fateful night.

My main performance is one that no one should know,

 living just to die - I simply hate this show.

KYH-6/1/06